Arod... not quite a man

In last night’s game, he took aim at another child by elbowing Dusty in a wimpy attempt to break up a DP. He simply doesn’t seem to have the stones to take on a man-sized opponent. While folks have accused him of not having a “sack” in a metaphorical sense, they may not have known the level of truth to that statement. Arod may in-fact be pre-pubescent.

Rumors from the Rangers clubhouse began circulating a few years ago, that a few teammates remarked on their All-Star Shortstop’s lack of endowment after showering with the MVP, leading to Rodriquez’s trade request. Jason Varitek said after picking the Yankees 3^rd baseboy up by the cup during the 2004 Arroyo challenge in an attempt to slam him to the ground, “there was nothing to grab onto”!

While these circumstances lead to speculation, there is one piece of damning evidence to support this theory. The “crotch grab”. Dr Edwin Azmuench, a world renowned expert in impacted testicles told SluggerWily that “when testes refuse to descend during male puberty, it leads to tugging and chronic touching of the scrotum”. He then added, in his thick Belgian accent, “I have been studying the case of a certain clean-up hitter with the Yankees, and his case is highly unusual. He has the genitalia of a six year old boy and as a result has developed a nasty habit of pulling and yanking on his gonads in an attempt to make them elongate. It’s become an obsessive compulsive disorder in a way. It’s truly sad to watch. His protective cup is no bigger than a bottle cap.” According to official statistical analysis, Arod touches his private area an average of 189 times per 9 inning game.

So next time you find yourself thinking “Arod has no balls”, remember the scientific evidence to support your opinion.